loss of a friend

i lost a friend over the weekend. he was the father of one of my best friends, but over the years i developed a relationship with him beyond his role as Dad. over the years i spend a lot of time with him, hanging out and the like. he lived only a few blocks away and his place offered a respite for me while i lived with my parents. as the years went by, i would stop over to hang out a bit, eat dinner and hopefully bring some cheer. over the past 2 years or so, i hadn’t seen him much; on my own decision. more and more time i felt i was committing to helping him out and i didn’t want to just be his hookup. we would spend time together, but i did feel annoyed being called over and over to help him out. selfish of course. and with a call from another friend, all of that comes rushing to the front of my mind; i wish i had done more. and i did a lot, i need to be completely honest with myself, but the past 2 years or so, as i mentioned, i fell out of touch. he had texted me once about wishing i would stop by. i’m sure he was down in the dumps (he had a lot of health problems and didn’t leave his house much) but i should have dropped in. i was worried i would fall back into the old pattern. would that have been so bad? probably. but with death brings remorse. our last contact was around Christmas, a few texts back and forth. i congratulated him on his growing family (2 grandkids with a 3rd on the way) and i recall a few years ago him talking about wanting to be able to have sometime with grandkids, as his health was not great.

working this out isn’t easy. in death, he, or anyone, is not any different than they were on earth, but that finality really brings into perspective decisions i made. i have no choice but to continue moving forward with my life, but knowing he isn’t there, and that i hadn’t spent quality time with him for some time is really hurting me. would he understand? probably not, and i can’t blame him for that. the truth will set me free i hope, and that truth is i made a decision and with it need to suffer the consequences of it. he taught me a lot over the years, and this is his final lesson i guess. i cannot allow myself to let the past two years overshadow the 10 i spent helping him and hanging out with him. he was stubborn and crass, but giving and fun. he struggled, financially, mentally and with his health. i did a lot. you can always do more. so in lies the anguish. there is no use in debating did i do enough, why didn’t i just stop in. i know why i didn’t. there is no right or wrong in this situation. from my mother i get the mother hen syndrome of wanting to help everyone, at all times. life is a team effort, and i can honestly say i did a lot over the years. it hurts that i didn’t at least stay in better contact. we were always on good terms. i had a dream last night that he was upset with me since i didn’t come by. and i’m sure he was. but did he hate me? i doubt it, we just had fun hanging out, and he had less going on than i did.

i have a wide circle of friends, and it is impossible to be with everyone at all times. and some people come into your life and some people fade out of it. Rest in Peace friend. i’ll see you on the flipside.